Tag Archives: Anxiety

I Can’t Believe I’m Telling the Internet How Much I Weigh

I can’t believe I’m going to share this on the Internet. It’s freaking scary to be this transparent about something so personal. But I’m going to do it anyway.


I haven’t posted anything since I wrote about anxiety back in January because editing jobs and the prayer ministry class I’m in took priority. And I think I needed the break.

2016 has been all about discipline for me. It’s my One Little Word if you’re into things like that. When I was working on a post about my New Year’s resolutions, I realized something. All the goals I was setting for myself were safe and easy. They were all about how many books I would read, how many pages I would write, how often I would try a new recipe. All things I would do even if I didn’t have a resolution to do them. Probably not to the extent that the resolution required, but honestly, I probably wouldn’t meet those expectations anyway.

One Sunday morning, when I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror and lamenting my appearance yet again, something struck me. Shouldn’t my resolution/goal/word/whatever for the year be about something that really mattered? Something I was struggling with? Something that bothered me EVERY SINGLE DAY? My weight.

weight CollageI had lost 30 pounds in my last year of high school and started college as a cute little 122-pound size six. I hadn’t even been trying to lose weight, but the stress of that year just took it out of me. Everyone told me I’d gain it back. And I swore I wouldn’t.

But I did. Plus, um, a lot. College brought me back up around 150 pounds. I was a size 10 the day I got married.

Being happily married and comfortable brought me up around 170 within a few years.

November

This is me with my friend Dana and her friend Kayla at Dana’s baby shower back in November.

And then, when I started taking anxiety medication in 2014, the number on the scale and the size of my pants just kept going up. 180. 190. 198. I stopped using the scale because I couldn’t bear seeing 200. In the first week of January, I sucked it up and pulled out the scale, wanting to mentally prepare myself for my upcoming physical. 217. A size 16 just barely fit. Everything I was buying was at least an XL. I felt sick. Something had to change.

(Can I pause here for a moment? I know that 217 is a low number for some people who struggle with their weight. But I knew it was a really unhealthy number for my 5’3″ frame. Gaining about 100 pounds and 10 sizes over the course of 10 years was not okay. And with a family history of diabetes and high cholesterol, I couldn’t just let it go and blame it on the meds, which is what I had been doing.)

At the recommendation of my doctor, I started Weight Watchers with a goal of losing 70 pounds. That was the middle of January. Around that same time, I started using Plant Nanny so I would start drinking more water. A few weeks ago, I bought a FitBit Alta to keep me moving.

Weight 4.22.16

Guys, it’s working. And honestly, I have selfish reasons for sharing this post. I’m proud of myself. And I know if I share it, it’ll keep me motivated to get all the way down to 147. (Maybe even lower!)
AprilSo far, I’ve lost 22.4 pounds. I’m getting a lot more exercise. My muscles hurt less. My acid reflux rarely shows up. I feel less stressed. This morning I made Jonathan feel my calf muscle because I can actually tell where it is! I can wear my wedding ring again (and I didn’t have to pay $150 to have it sized up AGAIN). Most of my pants are falling off. I’m wearing shirts I was embarrassed to wear. Having these little goals has made that 70 pound goal less daunting.

Next goal: A swimsuit I’m not embarrassed to wear when we go to Orlando in June.

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson

FIVE STARS

I got out of my Christian book bubble for this one. I’ve been laughing at Jenny Lawson’s stuff on theblogess.com for about a year, so when I found out she wrote a memoir focused around her mental illness, I knew I had to get it. I didn’t exactly read it—I used my free Audible trial to get the audiobook, and I’ve been listening to it in the car over the last week or so. I highly recommend experiencing Furiously Happy this way—Jenny is the narrator, which makes it even better because no one “gets” how a book is supposed to be read quite like the author, plus the audio version comes with a bonus chapter.

Jenny did talk about her struggles with depression, anxiety, and a few other things, but mostly the book was just super entertaining, at least for me. Her writing style is fast and may give you whiplash, but I promise it’s worth it. I can’t wait to get ahold of her first book, Let’s Pretend This Never Happened because I’m sure it’s as good as this one.

I highly recommend Furiously Happy, unless you find language and references to the author’s “lady garden” offensive.

I chose to review this book just because I loved it. I’m not getting compensated and my opinions were not influenced by the publisher or author.

Coping with Anxious Days

uivwdk2ifrg-andrej-chudyI’m having one of those anxious days, one of those days when I feel unsettled, like I can’t relax, like I can’t be left alone with my own thoughts.

I haven’t been feeling quite right this week and it’s causing me to jump to horrible conclusions like I usually do. Maybe I have lung cancer. Maybe it’s a blood clot. Maybe I need to have my gallbladder removed. Or maybe my appendix. No, definitely my gallbladder. Unless it is a bloodclot…

And Jonathan’s not home, so I’m resorting to my best coping mechanism: binge watching television shows. Right now it’s Mr. Selfridge. I’m not sure it’s the healthiest thing to do, but it sure beats sitting around thinking I’m dying. Because if I am dying, and no one’s here to take me to the hospital, well, things are pretty hopeless, aren’t they? Much easier to just watch my favorite show and forget about everything else.

Do you ever have days like that? How do you cope?